I STOLE SOMETHING. I'M A THEIF. I'M A CRIMINAL. I WAS AFRAID TO GO GET THE BACKGROUND CHECK I NEEDED SO THAT I CAN ATTEND MY SONS FIELD TRIP WITH HIM NEXT WEEK. I didn't want to show up and be arrested at the human resources office in front of everyone. I mean seriously, how embarrassing would that be. Just in case I was, I made sure I had on clean underwear and socks with no holes. I cant be stripped search wearing crusties now can I?
As I was filling out the info on the sheet I lied about my weight. Okay first of all its not their business what I weigh. I'm dieting so I put my goal weight on there. I like to project positivity. Then I had to strain my brain to remember my address from over 10 years ago. My palms were all sweaty and I felt like I was taking the SAT's. Then they wanted my age. My mind went blank. How could I not remember how old I am? I thought 28 but then starting counting backwards and ended up with 29 so I put 27 just to be on the safe side.
I was convinced that I would be arrested on the spot for stealing a candy bar when I was 4 years old. What if I had a record that went back to my preschool days. It wasn't even a good candy bar. I wanted the Mr.Goodbar and ended up with a Mounds that I didn't even get to eat because the store owner ran outside, swiped it from my hand and drug me back in where he then called my mom. I was so embarrassed being caught in front of my friends and to top if off there was a police officer who happened to be sitting in his car at the time of my crime. BUSTED. I almost made a clean getaway on my yellow banana seat junkyard bike. Damn the man.
Fingerprinting was fun and when it was all done the nice lady said if they're are issues we'll call you. I said "Thank you so much for giving me time to get out of the country if I need too". I've always wanted to see Brazil. I know that candy is coming back to haunt me.
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