Monday, September 29, 2008


Well it cant very well be a photo blog with no photo right? I'm working on some "300" type processing for football photos. I'm not really sure if i'm digging it though

all i have to say today is this....

Friday, September 26, 2008

More from "Save a whale, harpoon a fat chick!"

Oh my God. Am I really going to do this. What do I do with the ton of lycra on my thighs and butt? I cant let him put his hands on my thighs and feel the jingle-guard granny panties. Think. think. Think. The bathroom! That's it! I'll push him off of me and say I have to pee.
He was so hungry for me. His kisses were like attatcks on my lips and his hands were starting to roam towards my waist. Panic mode set in. I took a deep breath and shoved him off as hard as I could.
"Am I going to fast? I'm so sorry." He looked so confused. I felt sorry for him. He was genuinely concerned for my readiness. He on the other hand was pitching a tent that could have housed an entire barrack of soldiers and there were no concerns on my end about his readiness.
"Everything is fine, I just have to go to the bathroom." I smiled and acted as shy as I could. I wanted to embarrass him into not asking anymore questions. I have found that anything to do with the female anatomy doing anything other than fornication was an instant lock-jawed subject with teenage boys.
"Oh, ok. Its through that door next to the closet." He pointed.
I jumped up from the bed and plowed through the door. I turned around and leaned against it to catch my breath. I stripped off the girdle as fast as I could. It was more like a coat of armor for my butt and thighs. It sucked in everything. I was still chubby when I wore it, but at least nothing jiggled when I walked.

I didnt want to throw it in the garbage can and I couldnt flush it.
I know! I thought. Under the sink! That way, it'll still be there when I come back to freshen up. "I am a freaking genius" I beamed to myself. I went to grab for the cabinet but there was some sort of lock on the knob. It connected to the side. I pulled hard and it finally popped off. I hastily tossed my girdle in and shut the cabinet door but not before I caught a whiff of the sweet sour smell of ass and sweat coming from it. When did I last wash thing thing? I honestly couldnt remember. The lock was now broken and the door wouldnt close all the way. Well, i'll just come in here before he does i said to myself.

I opened the bathroom door slowly and started over to the bed. He was laying on his back with his arms folded and his hands under his head. The only thing he had on was his white tube socks. I gasped and turned my head shyly away as I ran over to the bed. He didnt say a word as I laid down beside him. He rolled over on top of me, cupped my chin in his hand and kissed me deeply. I closed my eyes and drank in his scent. It was a mixture of maleness, earth and ass? What in the world? My eyes flew open as something wet and cold nudged my cheek. A little cry escaped my throat. We both looked over and saw his Black Lab Jeb's head resting on the edge of the bed with my girdle in his mouth. Now I know why those childproof locks were on the cabinet under his sink.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Ya dont say?

Colby: "Mom, I cant eat this pizza anymore."
Me: "Why not hun?"
Colby: "Because every time I cough the pecker-ronies get stuck in my throat and choke me."
Me: "Well ya dont say son."

Monday, September 22, 2008

The strangest thing I have ever done...

I do some weird stuff. I always have. I eat weird stuff. I have a strange flavor palette. I for one think Brussels sprouts are awesome. I love to eat snickers and nacho cheese doritos together. At the same time.

I have officially reached my highest weirdness factor tonight. I have NO shampoo. None. Not even a drop for the kids. The stiffed me and even put water in their shampoo bottle and sucked out the very last drop of glycerin. So I'm in the shower, and decided to use a bar of soap for my hair. I start rubbing it in and its just not working. My hair is way to thick and it hurt rubbing it into my scalp. I thought about using the Axe bodywash but I have an appointment in the morning with my 5 year olds school. You see, I didnt want to have the office ladies or the principals falling all over themselves to get to me. I mean seriously, I have stuff to do tomorrow.

So I look around and what do I see-puppy shampoo. Yes! I can use this! I mean its safe for puppies and its even tear free. I lather up my head and was smiling at myself for my quick thinking and then I get a whiff. I smelled wet dog. Well hello Fido. I poured the strongest smelling conditioner I could find on my head to hopefully water down the smell. I really hope I don't smell like a dog when I go into the school tomorrow. When I got out of the shower, I didnt know if I should even use the towel or just shake myself dry. I opted for the towel-this time.

Sunday, September 21, 2008

Hiney Tingling Ice Cream.

The best ice cream ever is called "Birthday Cake". It is vanilla ice cream mixed with little bits of white cake with sprinkles and blue icing. It makes my hiney tingle just thinking about it.

If you can find it, your one lucky person. Go forth and find Birthday Cake Ice cream!!

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Football football..who's got the football..

Just a short post with a few shots from Number 1's Middle School football game. He's 21. He got to play linebacker (woohooo) and he even got a tackle. You can see the soles of his cleats in the pic of the pile of boys. The big ol'Nike thumbs up haha YAY. *\o/* (this is my cheerleader) rah rah rah, sis boom bah!

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

My new favorite show.

Sigh, I just dont know where to begin. I have a strange obsession. Its vampires. I blame the Twilight book series. Its not that I want to dress up in black and drink blood. However, in my dreams I would love to be married to one hahaha.

Well, thats where this show comes in. TrueBlood Its the new show on HBO based on the Southern Vampire Mystery book series and it is AWESOME. Its a grown-up show. You cant watch this with your chil'rens.

This was a post by an online friend who summed it up better than I could:

"Hot vampire from another era madly in love with human woman? Check. Vampire is Obsessive and powerful? Check. Girl has special power? Check. Other vampires threaten girl? Check. Sex? errrrr...ok, I did say adult"-AJ

Now go forth and watch my little fang lovers.

Monday, September 15, 2008

For you Kitty...

Yum um ummmmmmmmmmmm

Random thought post of the week.....

Zits hurt really bad when they're on that cartilage between your nostrils.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Another excerpt from "Save the whales! Harpoon a fat chick!"

She turned me around to face the mirror. I threw up a little in the back of my throat.
She had fitted me in a deep purple jacket 3 sizes to large for my frame. She believed that if you were considered overweight, then you should hide it with even bigger clothing. The purple color washed out my complexion and ended up bringing out the dark circles under my eyes. My lips were an awful shade of purple and it matched my all too purple eye shadow. I looked like a corpse who was attending the wedding of Beetlejuice.
She reached towards the sink and grabbed a set huge purple porcelain circle earrings sitting in a dish. The rims were painted in metallic gold with gold polka dots painted all over them.
"The earrings are over sized but they're supposed to be" she said. "They're going to make your face appear thinner."
What if tried hanging them from my hips. Would it make my stomach appear thinner too?
"Will it draw attention away from my face?" I asked hopeful.
"And just why would we want to draw attention away from your makeup? I cant believe how well it turned out. Purple is definitely your color." she beamed.
"Oh God!" I screamed inside. "I look like a 12 year old schoolmarm hooker."

Tuesday, September 9, 2008


My life is over. Time has officially left my side. Its left me stranded in grown up land. I found something last night. Something to awful for me to even say. I cant tell you but I have to.

I found a man hair under my chin. There I said it. I FOUND A MAN HAIR ON MY CHIN!!

What does this mean? Am I suddenly going to start sprouting chest hair and back hair too? Oh please say it isnt so. Does this mean that I have to walk around spitting loogies and chugging beer while scratching my ass? If I ever do these things and then sniff my fingers please shoot me. Just put this old dog down.

The worst part is that it wasnt just one man hair. It was cluster of them. About 4 all crowded together giggling at me and pointing and smirking. I plucked them. That'll teach them to show up in the land of woman. Yeah, Yeah! Chigga-chigga-what-what!!

I say bring it on man hair. I got a new set of revlon tweezers and by golly I know how to use them.

If these start coming out of my nose or ears, please shoot me over that too.

Monday, September 8, 2008

see me now?

My new self portrait for my website. I've needed one for a VERY long time. I'm tired of everyone trying to figure who the crazy lady flagging them down and running with a ton of camera's hanging around her neck is their photographer. See with this portrait, I can hide beside a building and just peek around the corner. Hopefully they'll spot me. Or, I could just walk with one side of my face to the parking lots of doors at all times. hmmm. decisions decisions.

Oh and I would like to add that even though I may have portraitured myself, i have on NO MAKEUP!

Saturday, September 6, 2008

MAN! You smell like Phys Ed!!

I promised shots of me camping. This is the best I could do. I dont like anyone to touch my camera. However, I think I saw Spanky's cousin fondling my 70-200 lens. I cant say for sure. I hope shes not traumatized for life now.

Friday, September 5, 2008


So close Cheyenne!!

However it was made out of pork and chicken by-products lmao

oh and this is what made him wake up in the first place...

Guys are so stupid :P

Who shot JR?

Meet J.R.

This handsome devil is Spanky's cousin. He's a world traveler. He likes long walks in the park and holding hands under the stars. If I were to put out a personal ad for dear JR it would probably be this: "Minimalist seeks woman." He likes the simple things. Food,water and shelter. Oh and the occasional Dukes of Hazard get together.

Now, Spanky and the rest of his cousins like to use JR as the butt of most their jokes. Exhibit A.See the picture above? See the dazed and confused look on the poor guys face? What do you think is on the other side of this picture?

Well I could tell ya but then I'd have to kill ya. If you think you know the answer comment on it...I might post the other half if anyone guesses it :) This capture was well worth the price that I might get out of it when I blackmail him with it.

Love you JR!!

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Why I love this baby...

Meet Caitlyn.

I dont love her because of those gi-normously squishy cheeks. I dont love her because she has no fear of my camera and still cracks up in the sweetest smile for me to take a "peek-chur" of. I dont even love her because she is just so freaking adorable that it makes my milk bags try to lactate and wish my belly started to swell. Oh wait, it did swell but that's only cause I had way to many gas inducing fried tomatoes over the weekend. My milk bags are still dry though.

No the reason that I love this little girl is because I can love all over her, spoil her rotten and carry her around for hours without putting down the little "sack-o-taters" and at the end of the day, I can give her back to her parents :)

Monday, September 1, 2008

Good to be back and a lesson in horseback breaking...

Ahhh. I'm sitting in my comfy chair. I'm sipping ice cold Diet Dr. Pepper and getting ready to watch an all new Prison Break on Tv. Sigh, I love Wentworth Miller. I loved him way back when he was on one of my most favoritest vampire movies "Underworld: Evolution". Sorry all you late Went lovers. He's mine and you cant have it. I saw him first.

Speaking of guys. I'll be posting this week about things that happened while we were on our camping trip over the long weekend. Here's a little scene right before we left. Meet self-named "Big-Daddy" Matt. He is a new rider of horses who decided that he needed to learn how to ride on a horse thats never been ridden. Works for me. I'm all about education.

Here we have a few little conversations I overheard while snapping these pics.

"Hey big daddy matt!
We have a great idea! We need someone to break in this horse thats never been ridden. We were gonna do it ourselves but we thought it would be more fun for someone who's never done it before to do it for us instead. What can we say, its boring out here in Deliverance land."

"Dont worry Big Daddy Matt. This horse is the sweetest out of the bunch. She has a personality like my favorite actress Joan Crawford.

Sue, I know I'm new at this but wasn't Joan Crawford an alcoholic sociopath?
Dont worry Big Daddy Matt!! Just make sure when you get on her you blow kisses at her, promise her scotch on the rocks and call her Mommy Dearest. Oh and I have great news! I just saved a load of money on my car insurance by switching to Geico!!


Now, after all that bellyaching and worrying about something as small in life as breaking his neck, Big Daddy Matt's horse Breezy was as sweet as pie to this green rider.

See Big Daddy Matt? You crapped your pants for nothing. I'm glad I didnt have to ride home with you.