Thursday, September 11, 2008

Another excerpt from "Save the whales! Harpoon a fat chick!"

She turned me around to face the mirror. I threw up a little in the back of my throat.
She had fitted me in a deep purple jacket 3 sizes to large for my frame. She believed that if you were considered overweight, then you should hide it with even bigger clothing. The purple color washed out my complexion and ended up bringing out the dark circles under my eyes. My lips were an awful shade of purple and it matched my all too purple eye shadow. I looked like a corpse who was attending the wedding of Beetlejuice.
She reached towards the sink and grabbed a set huge purple porcelain circle earrings sitting in a dish. The rims were painted in metallic gold with gold polka dots painted all over them.
"The earrings are over sized but they're supposed to be" she said. "They're going to make your face appear thinner."
What if tried hanging them from my hips. Would it make my stomach appear thinner too?
"Will it draw attention away from my face?" I asked hopeful.
"And just why would we want to draw attention away from your makeup? I cant believe how well it turned out. Purple is definitely your color." she beamed.
"Oh God!" I screamed inside. "I look like a 12 year old schoolmarm hooker."


Stacy said...

I will SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO buy your book!!!

beth said...

OMG you are gonna make me cuss but this is sooo f'in funny. i swear i am going through this now. never thought i would but it is me....................................................................

but i could never express it like u! ur awesome!!