Goodbye My Lovelies!!

I'm leavin' on a jet plane...la la la..

Just kidding. I'm leaving though. Just not on anything cool like a plane. More like, a minivan full of fighting boys with smelly feet and stinky gas. I swear, riding anywhere with them for more than 2 hours is like trying to survive in a "dutch-oven", if you catch my drift.

Lets see, I cleaned the fish, fed the birds, packed the girls (my furballs) favorite toys and pillows. I have my penis gun and Spanky has his titty mug so I think we're good to go. If your all good while I'm away, I'll show you the infamous "titty mug" given to him when he was 18 from his grandfather. From what I've heard its been passed down from one horny old man to another for as long as they've been in America.

I'm so sad that a "titty mug" and "penis gun" are going to be our legacy to our kids.

Oh, this time I PROMISE pics of me. Camping. Having "fun" in the "wild". Running from horses. Stuffing myself silly with smores. I'll probably pee on my feet again but I wont take pictures of that. Maybe if I was paid a really high price *wink*.

I am a widow...

A football widow. Spanky dies every year until he's done coaching. Not only am I a widow but I also have to do all the things that should be "man" work in the house. You know, like taking out the garbage, scratching my butt while getting the mail or peeing on the seat instead of in the toilet. It sucks.

The daily routine is that he leaves for work at 5:30 and I dont actually see him till around 9:30 that night at which time he will probably scarf down his food, get a shower and pass out.

He brought me home something today though. Something that made my hiney tingle. Something that raised my eyebrow. My husband gives me the strangest gifts. If awards were given out for strangest gifts received, I win. Hands down.

I'm not gonna post the photos on this blog of what he lovingly referred to as his stand-in. A friend of his gave it to him today as a joke. Its ironically made of wood LMAO. Anyhow, if I could have loaded real bullets in it, I probably would have shot him with the thing. Then, I'd be a real widow and would HAVE to take out the garbage but I WOULDNT have to wash his undies with doodie stains in the ass of them. Thats a fair trade dontcha think?

You can view my gift here. Do not open in front of your chil'rens.

Mission-FAILED..this message will self destruct in 5 seconds

Well, my guy got on the bus. He got to the school. I met him at the front and walked him to his class. I NEEDED to do this because at the last second I realize that in my self loathing and miserable sulking, I had forgot to put his name tag and teacher's name that was on his necklace for kindergarten.

All these thoughts of my baby being lost and standing out in the middle of the hallway crying made me floor it the school. After I got my bacon egg and cheese mcgriddle and vanilla iced coffee. but i still floored it.

Okay so I get to his class and take in the rest of his supplies and give them to his teacher's assistant. Then, I took a few pictures and she was still standing next to me. its okay that I'm here right? i asked to her. Well actually she said, we'd rather you didnt but since your here please take your picture and go.

Now, for an instant, to my heartbroken ears, it sounded like she was trying to get between me and my baby. All you moms out there KNOW this is the worlds most dangerous place to be. I came within inches of ripping her face off but i remembered i would have a hard time talking my way out of that one when i got arrested. so i left.

I was fine. I pulled onto the highway and took a deep breath. It was gonna be ok. He was gonna be ok. I, was gonna be ok. Well that was until Breakaway by Kelly Clarkson being played on the radio. Of all the times in the world, why in the hell did this song have to be playing at this particular moment in my life. I lost it. I bawled my eyes out for an hour and when I got home I took a look around at the huge mess we made getting ready for our first day of school.
"OWwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!"
I heard Nate calling me from the bedroom. WTF?!?!. I knew he was in school.
"Mommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. Owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.!!!" I heard again.

It was our parrot Grady. Welcoming me home in the most awesome way that he ever have could. So even when they're not here, they're still here :) I just wish he mimicked, mom i love you instead of them fighting lmao.

Mission Mom-possible...

I'm going to stalk my 5 year old during his first morning as a kindergartener. I NEED to do this. I'm sick. I have issues. I might stop my subscription to myself.

Random thought post of the week.....

If you take a drink of coffee flavored with french vanilla creamer and then take a sip of Diet Dr. Pepper, it makes it taste like ham.

Bestfriends...

One from yesterday...

i'm writing a book...

Yep. its called "Save a whale! Harpoon a fat chick!"

Heres an excerpt. I'll try to post more of it here and there :) I might finish it. I might not. I might publish it. I might not. Either way, its good FREE therapy :)

"No way was I going out there to show her anything that ended below my underwear. I knew she was well aware of how dirty my panties were but the rest of the store didnt. I was breaking out into a full on sweat. My feet got twisted in the legs of the jeans. I started to loose my balance. It was to late. I crashed through the swinging doors of the dressing room. I landed with a huge thud at the feet of a lady with her perfect size 6T daughter. Their eyes were wide as saucers and their mouths hung open in disbelief.
"Wow!" I exclaimed. "Watch that first step. Its a doozie."

Celebrity Collage by MyHeritage

MyHeritage: Celebrity Collage - Old photos - Free family tree template

Apparently I have a very Asian look. Um, Mom, is there something you would like to tell me? Is there a reason why I am in love with Asian cuisine? I mean, the proofs right there in front of me...Who's my daddy?

Reminder

Reminder to self....

This is just something that I have to go through to get me closer. Winners train, losers complain. I'm leaving it all on the field everyday.

Hair pulling.....

This is the kind of day I'm having. Karma always catches up with me. I don't know why I would even try to short cut around anything. In the end, I ended up paying twice as much as I would have in the first place AND I now have a baldspot from pulling my hair out.

Its not fair that some people are oblivious to the effects of the universe. I'm trying to SO hard to live by the secret. I think, it told on me. I want unexpected checks in the mail. I want travel. I read my daily affirmations. Maybe I'm underlying-ly thinking negatively about my positives? How does one become truly positive in their thinking? I'm visualizing. I even made a visualization board right in front of my desk.

I'm pulling my hair out people. HELP ME TOM CRUISE!

Okay i'll tell you what i did to catch the wrath of Karma. I may or may not have used a key to crack a program that was listed at an online place. I knew it was wrong but i wanted it so bad and didnt want to shell out the money for it. Ugh. It was so wrong. I'm a theif. I feel awful. So you know what happens to me? My website. My photography. My site that has all my stuff on it goes offline. Poof. Shes gone. I'm freaking out. Well it was up for renewal and i didnt catch that email. If I had, it would only have cost me 15 bucks. Since it lapsed since June, I had to pay $100. What kinda crap is that? Karma crap. Thats what that is. I suck. I have since deleted the program. I couldnt look at it without the awful feeling in my stomach. I'm sorry Karma. Forgive me?

Feeling "crabby' today?

This is what we had for dinner. Mmmmmmmm.Mmm.Mmmm. The great thing about living on the east coast is the Blue Crabs.

Okay, well I might not have eaten it like this because I'm a sissy and will only eat what Spanky takes out of the shell for me. He does this awesome boil where he puts the crabs, crawdads, potatoes, corn on the cob, carrots and onions in a pot and cooks it all together. It is SO good. The only bad thing is that I always get an antenae of some kind caught between my teeth. Or, I'll go to down a huge spoon full of the pipin hot veggies and I'll chomp into a crawdad leg. GA-ROSS.

I mean seriously, do you think that crawdads clean between their toes? Um, no I dont think so. I'm risking the crawdad version of athletes foot every time I eat this stuff. I vote for all crawdads and crabs having pedicures before they make it to our plates. Who's with me??

Whether you Democrat or Republican...

The message is still the same. HOPE.

Drama

I love drama when its in photos. I did this shoot with my oldest son in about 5 minutes. I had some ideas that I NEEDED to get out of my head. I'm working on launching some black and white fine art sports portraits. Something different from the kids sitting there on a knee with a helmet or ball in their hand. I combined baseball and football because these are the sports he plays. He's got his football chest piece on and holding his bat and wearing catchers mask in a few. They need a little work but I'm digging them:)

The weight has been lifted

I felt bad about just leaving my newspaper blog hanging out there with no explanation of why i was no longer posting there. I posted a nice goodbye today. I didnt go into detail about jealous people complaining about my watermarking my images so that they would not be thefted (is that a word, well it is now lmao).

I did love hanging out all my dirty laundry though. It makes me happy for people to smell my dirty socks.

It seems so final but seriously, I needed to cut negativity out of my life to be able to move on positively. This was a good thing. I know it was. It felt right. I had a dream about it. I let my painted ponies run.

Are ya ready for some Football?!

Colby had his very first practice last night. How stinkin cute is he? He's in the white and blue jersey with the 48 on it. Bless his little heart. He tried his best and it was 150 flippin degrees today. Well it felt like it anyhow. In the black and white he's saying no more mama, no more lolol

what.the.hell.did.i.do?

So my hair grew out a little bit since I last had it cut in Nov of 2007. Seriously, I thought that if I paid $75 for a haircut that it should last at least a year. My follicles had other plans. No, they decided to grow out, become frizzy and split. Hmmm-it sounds kinda like my transformation into puberty. EW, shudder at the flashbacks.

I wont name the place that I went to and waited an hour to be seen because I didn't call ahead. Don't they know who I am? I mean, I guess they could have thought I was just a regular person because I didnt have one my stalkers walking behind me holding the sign that says "I love Missy". She had "stuff" to do. Or like babies to give birth to or whatever. Seriously, arent I more important than life itself? Literally hahaha.

Anyhow can I just say that karma is a bitch. See, a few months back I tried to give my Pomeranian a summer hair shave. It didnt work out so well. I got paid back 10 fold with my hideous new do. I love layers but she cut my front to short. If I'm not careful with styling it, it will end up giving off a mullet vibe. Which brings me to the other karma I had coming to me because of the mullet hunting I did when we went to that WWE pro wrestling event.

seriously, I hate the universe right now.

exhibit a.



P.S. i totally took this pic going 75mph on my way to a wedding an hour away. What can I say? I was bored.

Something Wicked This Way Comes.....

I had to make one of these. Its some of my favorite hits from the 80's. When the mid 90's hit I was soooooooo glad that the 80's were over. I thought that it was the WORST decade ever. I hated to look at pics because of the clothes. The music disturbed me. It was like nails on a chalkboard when I would here "everybody wang chung tonight...".

Now, I love it but I REALLY do not ever want to see white Keds sneakers, biker shorts, and oversized t-shirts EVER come back into style. Those are not good for us ladies who are living larg and in charge.

I dont know what made me want to make one of these. I'm feeling strange lately. Kinda ancy. Something is brewing. I can feel it. I'm having dreams. I've been writing them down trying to see if I can draw any meaning from them. I'm probably looking to deep into them but I cant help but wonder if something is brewing on the horizon.....

Waiting...

one from the birth of baby A. Born on Tues night. More to come :)

"CRACK MAN"

Convo with my 11 year old.

"Hey mom, guess what."
"Whats that?"
"I had to get a new butt."
"Whys that?"
"Cause my old one had a crack in it."


So, in order for our boys to play football this year we have to buy them ID's from the DMV. My 5 year old thought this meant he could drive and tried to drive home. We only let him drive for a few miles. We value our vehicle. Oh, and our lives.

Anyhow, while we were waiting to be called up to the window the guy next to us was called first. He was a rather large man. I'd say weighing in at about 350lbs easy. He was leaning over the counter conversing with the teller and Spanky started to giggle. He said "look at that guy up there. You can see his crack a little bit.". Sure enough, the valley began to peek. Now, he had an entire family sitting behind him and the dad was trying to lean back so it wasnt so "up in yo'face". The little girls were giggling and that made me giggle. I tried to hold it in, I did. I swear on my Vera Bradley. Now, evertime this guy would shift his weight, his pants would inch downward. Slowly the valley became the Grand Canyon. I kid you not, there was at LEAST 6 inches of crack showing. Okay, I admit I broke out into a full on bar room Julia Roberts laugh. I couldnt help it! Spanky was shushing me but the more he told me to be quiet the more I cracked up. I was not alone though. I heard others giggling too. Our number was called and we had to walk by the info desk and there was a couple standing there giggling and the info girl was too. I said "please tell me if we're being Punked." Well that made the laugh that much harder and finally the "Crack man" as I know call him walked out of the DMV never to know of the wonders that he shared with us that day.

Oh and I think I saw Jimmy Hoffa in there waving from the bottom of the crevasse.

SO WE'RE ALLERGIC TO BEES

YUCK!

I had to find out the hard way that my 5 year old was allergic to bees. the poor guy was stung sitting on the couch minding his own business when a "European Hornet" decided he didn't like the way Colby was sitting. He didn't have an aniphylactic shock but he did develop weird bumps popping up on his skin and itching very very badly. He's much better now. He got a huge needle in the butt and was so good that I bought him a new betta fish. He picked him out himself and named him "roadburner". dont ask. I have no idea why he named him that lol